Lately I’ve seen a number of social media posts showing videos of people behaving badly—in a supermarket, parking lot, or other public place. The behavior quickly becomes public way beyond typical viewership. Those who post and watch these videos typically express strong opinions about their contents. Some agree that the filmed behavior is “bad;” some applaud the person’s audacity. Adult behavior in public places—its origin and effect—is the topic of this blog.
One can’t simply observe a single moment in time and judge a person by that behavior; and yet that’s what we do. I’ve long wondered why adult behavior that is not tolerated among children in schools is so prevalent in our society, particularly today when the details of our day-to-day lives have been turned upside down. What happens between school years and adulthood that results in rules of safety and decency being disregarded by so many?
When I lived in Kentucky and traveled 25 miles to and from work each day, I was startled by the driving behavior of my fellow commuters. What I had thought were generally accepted cultural norms were simply not followed. People did not use turn signals. Tailgating was common. Large pickup trucks overtook my small sedan, flashing lights and riding my bumper, even when I was already traveling well over the speed limit. I was often afraid for my safety.
I often wondered during those commutes what it was about humans that encouraged them to disobey rules meant to keep them and others safe. And I wondered what their first grade teachers would think of their adult behavior.
I remember participating in activities and situations in elementary school that were meant to help me understand how to behave when I was with others. Some lessons were quickly learned. (Don’t call your fifth grade teacher by his first name, even if you’ve just learned it and are anxious to share it with others.) Others were harder to grasp. (Stealing a beach ball from your teacher’s stash of prizes to impress your friends doesn’t ensure their friendship. And isn’t stealing wrong anyway?) My tendency to talk too much and blurt things out was met with quiet disappointment by one teacher; his public recognition of “star workers” provided me with an incentive to work on my own self control.
What is it, then, that encourages us to behave badly when there isn’t a teacher in the room? It seems that getting away with something without repercussions is highly motivating to many of us. But, just because you can do something doesn’t mean that you should do it.
Elected lawmakers, supervisors at our places of work, teachers, and other public figures are meant to help us continue to present ourselves as good citizens into and beyond adulthood. Some say that a liberal arts education is meant to provide us with decision-making skills that will enable us to be good citizens. Places of worship provide foundational information to help their members lead model lives.
With so many resources available to us, exactly why does an adult throw items out of her shopping cart around the store in response to being asked to wear a mask? And what compels us to capture that behavior on video and share it with others?
My initial thought is that we are constantly looking for information that justifies our own behavior and approach to life. One politician publicly name-calls prominent figures and bullies others. He is cheered on for this behavior, revered by some for “speaking his mind.” Driving large vehicles aggressively perhaps makes a person feel more powerful in a world where they feel powerless. In my elementary school or junior high, a person behaving in these ways would be sent to the principal’s office or disciplined in some other way. But today we observe, offer an opinion about the behavior publicly or privately, and move on
I try to offer a solution to a problem I have presented in each blog I write. The problem I am outlining here, though, stymies me. I suspect that many people do not see the behaviors I am describing as a problem. When I mentioned the turn signal and aggression issue to my work colleagues, many dismissed it as “just the way it is here.” Name calling confirms to others that the person is in fact what we suspect. Someone else is doing our thinking for us in these situations, and we are (supposedly)_fine with that. But how does that help make the world a better place?
My solution for today is to write about what I see and hear. In doing so, I am trying to make sense of it. Sometimes I observe those whose views I do not understand or share by reading what they post on social media. I read opinion columns in newspapers. I talk to people and listen to their viewpoints. I want to understand what constitutes being a good citizen, one who respects her country and her fellow citizens, but continues to educate herself and encourage change where it is needed.
A former student of mine, a beautiful, bright, and independent woman in her 30s, posted this phrase on social media: Bend and consider. I have written about “considering” in past blogs; it is a tool I use every day to inform my behavior. But bend and consider is different. It requires movement (and therefore effort) to consider something in its entirety. What did I learn in school that I should be applying to my adult life? I use my turn signal when I drive. I don’t steal from others. I ask someone in trouble if they need help rather than thrusting it upon them.
“Bad” behavior needs to be put into context, but it also needs to be viewed for what it does to others. Today that is what I will bend and consider.